What do you think Jared is like when he’s not creepily staring us down with his condescending sandwich stare?  I mean, his whole adult life has revolved around Subway.  He has got to have some serious issues by now.

You know he’s got sub shaped slippers.  Probably Subway-logo jammies.  And when he gets his freak on, he covers his women with fresh lettuce, tomato, olives and banana peppers.  I bet he asks them how many calories they are before he ‘eats out.’   I’m sure his likes those buns toasted, so he makes them lay on a heating blanket before he does the deed.  That’s sick.  Jared, you’re sick.

You think he has wet dreams about the Hamburglar?  Yeah, probably.  Jared and the Hamburglar, making out on top a pile of nasty, greasy burgers.  You know he wants the grease.  You know he misses it.   What do you want to bet, actually, that when Jared hits that mid-life crisis, he’s going to storm into a McDonald’s with a semi and a semi-automatic, diving into an orgasm of food as he eats enough Big Macs to kill an elephant.  His screams of pent-up rage and joy will be unleashed simultaneously.  He’ll grow to five times his size, like Weird Al in his Fat video.  Then he’ll go from fast food joint to fast food joint on a killing/eating spree, leaving blood and burger wrappers in his wake.  He’ll finally be brought down by Ronald McDonald and his Grimace-sized tranquilizer gun.  The nation will be scarred forever.  And it’s all because Subway inflated the ego of one sad sap who had nothing better to do than go on a diet.

Way to fuck it up for all of us, Jared.