Are you unemployed?  If not, studies probably show that you more than likely will be at some point in the near future, before Obama magically solves all of our problems.  Since i like to appear educated, i Wikipediaed unemployment and skimmed the page.  Here are my findings:

A really long paragraph insists that everyone who has come up with a cause for unemployment has been called a dickhead by other people with different ideas.  The moral here is that no one knows, and even if you do figure it out, you’ll be ridiculed until you wind up in a dark closet listening to The Cure and cutting yourself.

There’s different kinds of unemployment.  Let’s see which category you do (or will) fall into.

Classical Unemployment - this occurs when the worker has become too old, or ‘a classic.’  Classics are cool when they’re a car, or something that’s played on the radio.  Classics are great to listen to if you do have a job - put on some Zeppelin or Floyd while you’re doing the daily chores and your day may go a little faster.  But what are the members of Pink Floyd doing today? Not working!  If they’re even still alive, the one thing they’re not doing is cooking my dinner or joining my conference call.  Finish your crossword puzzle, Pops, and keep your old man hands away from my job.

Structural Unemployment - that’s when a company has ‘restructured,’ and they don’t have a place for your position anymore.  Remember that Thanksgiving when the seating was ‘restructured’ and you had to sit at the kid’s table?  This is really just a passive aggressive way of saying, ‘hey Billy, you’re creepy and you have a weird odor, so get the fuck out.’

Frictional Unemployment - i’m pretty sure this is where someone is fired because they jack off in the bathroom at work too often.

Keynesian Unemployment - i didn’t quite get this one, but it did kinda make me want a nice big box of nuggets from Chik-fil-a, with that awesome Polynesian sauce.  I always wondered why they didn’t just call it sweet & sour, because that’s really what it is.  Granted, it’s better than what you’d get anywhere else, but, that’s just a stupid name for a sauce.  Polynesian?  Does Polynesia even exist anymore?

Now what to do you once you’re actually unemployed? 
Collect unemployment!  People like to spin it down, and say, ‘oh no, you only get 75% of your pay.’  But imagine you had a job, and one day someone said to you that they would pay you 25% less than what you make now, but you’d be able to sleep in and sit on your ass all day.  Who would say no to that?  Retarded people.  Ok, ok, it’s only for 6 months, but hey, miracles don’t last forever.

Tease those poor saps who do have to work!  Walk by an office building wearing pajamas.  Stretch out in a store somewhere and take a nap - just because you can.  You’ve got no timesheet to fill out now, baby!  Ask someone what time it is, then quickly reply that it doesn’t matter, you’ve got nowhere to be.

Get ahead of the game!  Most people wait until they’ve got a foot in the ground before they make or follow through on a bucket list.  Do it now!  Make a list of shit you want to do before you have to get a stupid job again.  Be creative with it!  Watch Jackass while you’re making it!  Years down the road, when it’s time to die, you can be first in line.  No shit to catch up on.  Lucky for you, you were unemployed!

Learn a skill.  And i don’t mean a bullshit skill, like using pivot tables or maintaining a budget.  I mean like fishing with a knife and a net, or building a shelter out of trees.  You’ll have the upper hand if the economy continues to take a nosedive and our society crumbles into a post-apocalyptic dystopia.  What’s Jenny from Accounting going to do when dinner is running through the forest?  Create an Excel formula to detereminte how many days it’ll take her to starve to death?  Not you!  Spear yourself some food and be thankful for the time you had to develop yourself due to unemployment. 
So what did we learn?  Don’t get old, or smell bad.  Get yourself some Chik-fil-a.  If you do lose your job, don’t sweat it, because it could save your life.