Not having a job isn’t very funny, but being a Negative Nancy all day long doesn’t solve anything. By which I mean it bores me. Listen, I’ve been unemployed, and while it certainly wasn’t my favorite part of my life, I tried to adhere strictly to a few rules to keep my sanity. Let’s go over some of the happier things about being sacked in the form of a Do/Don’t List!

DO take advantage of your newfound comically out-turned pockets by neglecting to eat major meals. I once ate cucumber sandwiches for a week! The weight just flies off!

DON’T eat cucumber sandwiches for a month. You will have to buy all new clothes at Costco, and they will not be very fashionable.

DO make use of your new free time by catching up on all those video games you’ve had to neglect by preparing presentations for The Big Client! No one can apply to jobs all day. Relax! Go to it! Play a violent video game! Make up elaborate backstories for background characters in Grand Theft Auto, then, when you grow weary of their story arc, shoot a rocket launcher into their fancy car!

DON’T go crazy and kill your whole family and then yourself. Too soon? Too soon.

DO find a creative outlet for your pent-up frustrations. I joined an Improv Class, where I frequently assumed the character of a charming, witty person with a job!
1 out of 3 ain’t bad!

DON’T video blog smug CNN i-Report articles where you radically confuse “dancing like a muppet and talking fast without enunciating” with “making good points.”

Okay, well, that wasn’t too many, but I’m sure you’ve heard enough media douchebags starting sentences with “In this economy, you’ve got to…” that you want to start naming GTA characters after them, and I don’t blame you. But $5,000 rocket launchers aren’t really available on every street block, so all we can do is try to make the best of our situations. Not me, of course, I have a job, and I will hopefully continue to…at least as long as people keep wanting fries with that.